Saturday evening

First whole day without work alone, without my Happiness. I tried to find a work, cause i need money and i dont need free time alone, but noone called.

I stand up very early, did duties at home, went out after 9, came back for a quick small shopping at Biedronka and went away again. In general i was outside near 9 hours. Without any duties. 9 hours of walking, dont feel my legs. It was sunny but cold day and its already near May.

I went two times by our pond, to the small amd big las, i cried there a lot. Squirrels came to me but i was able just to repeat: Julcia is not here, sorry, i know that they were very dissapointed and sad seeing me alone like this. Then i went to our drzewo, couldnt climb it, just say sorry also for it, that Julunia is not here. Next one was our bench at AWF. Even this week, on Monday, 5 days ago i was sitting there with J so in love from both sides...

When we were on our last walk in las on Monday, we talked about this that some trees are starting to be green but still a lot not. Today, after only 5 days, it looked completely different. So green, everything. Julcia, only if she can see it, would be very happy, i see Her smile looking at this borning environment. Why She was not there with me today? You idiot.

Then i went by the Wisla. We were there on Sunday, 6 days ago. Eating marvelous lunch, sitting on a stones on a second wild part of river. We were so happy... Today level of water much higher, this stones we were sitting on were totally under water. What a symbol.......

If we could survive this Saturday together, it would be so marvelous. We would go for sure by the Wisla and to the las. These walks made me always so happy. Without J they have no sense.

I came back, legs very tired. I made a long note about our food together, but i lost it. Now sitting without any sense. sitting. Any aim. Talked a little with my farher, He is also very depressed.

How to live without any aim?