Saturday morning

I suspected that it will be difficutllt, but never thought that soul can suffer in this way.

I had few lost in my life. I lost my normal childhood in some kind of meaning, because of my father. Then i lost my mother, She had a cancer and i took care of Her in last few months of live and then survived Her death. 

But this kind of lost which is happening now, i cannot compare to anything else. I was wholr 36 years alone. I always had immagination of my dreamed woman and never met someone like in this dream, so i didnt want to force myself to love. I had so many opportunites, so many girls wanted to be with me, but i always was against. I was waiting for my dreamed one, and i was sure She will never come. I lead a lonely life and i felt normal with this. Since i met Julunia in December 2019, started talk to Her, meet and then finally started live together on 3rd of March 2020, i and my soul was sent to a paradise. This was a dream. She is exactly like my dreamed woman: unreal beutiful, but the most important fragile, innocent, sensitive, doesnt run like most of woman in this world, no drugs, no alcohol, no accidental love. A little childish in a meaning that She appreciate all small things arround like sun or moon on a heaven, colour of trees, very small things make Julunia happy. This is unreal, what kind of personality J has added to how lovely She looks.

And now i lost it. Every single minutes is awful struggle to survive. I come back to lonely house, where She doesnt wait with goddess smile, which always made me feel the most lucky person in the world. Noone talk to me, noone is interested how is going my day. I keep on looking every 15 min on the phone, knowing that there will be no lights about messages at all. But last 1,5 years when we were at work or wherever i did it, because in every time i could receive message that She loves me, how is it going Her day, being interested how is it going my, if i am not hungry, if everything is all right.

I cannot go anywhere because everything reminds me Juleczka. When.i go to Top market, to zabka, to tram nr 33, to bus 180, when i go by path, whatever i do, i keep saying that last time i was there,.there.was Julunia next to me.

I am not able to sleep, today i waked up like always very early and i forced myself to sweep floor, which always did Juleczke every second day, i forced myself to shave, to throw rubbish, to take a shower. Ok, but its 9 in morning and its saturday,.so what i am supposed to do in whole day, when nothing has sense. I look for the work, but so far there is nothing. I am not interested in watching sport, channel on tv, reading news, i am not interested in anything. When J was arround i had no time for anything, we always made plan: watch moovie, play board game, make love, lie together or what would be for sure in this sunny day - go for a walk. I am not able to go to the forest, to our drzewo, i will not stand it.

Last Saturday at this time we had a breakfast in the bed. We were eatng cornflakes, drinking coffee, seating on not spreaded bed, we were both so happy. And now?

In last days i sent to Juleczka few letters with explanation, but She keeps on repeating that She doesnt want any message, that i have to leave Her in peace, She made decision and leave me. I dont know if i will even see Her again. Until She is in Warsaw (if She still is) i can at least feel Her arround. I will never ever stop dreaming that time will heal everything. I am sure that J is my one and only, if not She, noone else in the world.

Two days ago i collected from the post package for Juleczka. With a necklace which She bought for me for Valentines day. She was waiting for it so long, because She wanted to put it on me. I was also waiting for it. I never wearn sth like necklace. But as a mark of Her love to me, i would wear it with so passion. Now i am not able to open a package. It it came few days ago, it would have given us so much pleasure, so much happiness and love...

Everyone arround me, even owner of the flat who is also hurt by my behaving says me to fight of my love. But Julunia doesnt want to even see me... i have to respect Her feeling. But i will never loosr hope. Never. Until the end of my story.