Sunday 02/05 18:48 two weeks after paradise...

Its already two weeks since we had our marvelous sunday by the wisla, with chess and badminton outside. Its 13 days since we last time talked, kissed, loved. 9 days without any message.

After first shock, when Julunia didnt want to see, to talk, i did undestand it. But i still hoped and still hope checking phone every hour that She will say: lets talk. We spend near 1,5 years together and we were so in love. I fucked, like idiot, but after whole my life only with lost, i fucked because i was scarried, not because i wanted.to hurt Her. I would preffer to die, than hurt my Love.

I lost my normal childhood. Spending many many evenings in a window with my Mother waiting for my father. Will he be drank again? Will he come.back safely by car or there will be any accident? Will it be a big problems, will he scream and threat my Mother again or he will quite quick go to sleep? Will we sleep normally?

I lost my first possible girlfriend, because i was to ashamed, that i can reach her. I was coward already when i was teenager. Then because of this situation i lost many years because i couldnt look at other girls.

I lost my very good work, because they closed office and then i had to take care of my Mother amd after i could find another good work.

I lost my beloved Mother, who sacraficed Her life for us, Her sons. She died beacuse of cancer and life never looks the same after this.

I lost my financial status, when they closed my office. When.before i.signed a document that i will have to pay debt if sth happen to my beloved. And inmediatelly it happens and i left with all of this alone.

I lost my family, because they didnt accept what happened and left it only for my shoulders. I lost my proud.because i had to leave country, work.in many shitty jobs just to pay a debt.

I lost my faith and hope that sth can be better in my life. And then came She. My Angel. My Love. My everything. I didnt want to have another lost. I didnt want to lose Her.

And then i lost my humanity. Because i didnt tell Her all of this. 

And i lost Her....