Wednesday 21/04

First day when i had to manage working thinking about whole story. 

It was a new man who called and life is so strange. I had to take bus nr 184 and went to last stop to Szczesliwice and i worked 300 m from Park Szczesliwice. Going up and down carrying things. So every single minutes i saw trees from the Park. Where exactly 10 days ago i had one of the best time in my life. Lying, having picnic amd just enjoying sun with Julunia. After 10 days, being depressed and near whole time in tears i had to manage also working. It was heavy: physically, but most of all mentally.

After this i went to special place when i was sitting three hours. It was worthy. In this time i received 3 phone calls about work tomorrow. I choose someone who i have already worked for.

Now i came back home. Silence here doesnt allow me to stand. Everything remonds me Juleczke. She should be here now. What did you do you useless idiot?

First time in my life i cannot eat. I had many stressed situations in my life, stress was always arround, my childhood, then sickness and death of my Mother. But i always reacted different. In these moments i kept on eating. Now i cannot. I feel that belly is empty but when i try to eat anything i feel like i will give it back after while.

Its not possible to sleep alsp here. Last two dramatic nights with noone arround i had to try to sleep with a light on but i failed. Just few hours being in the middle.

In this building where i worked today, i saw a beautiful picture. Because i was on the stairs near all the time i saw arround 30 years old man knocking to the door with a shopping in a bag. After a while opened him his grandma telling: come in moje Słoneczko. And immediatelly i reminded J how he called me. After maybe 20 min the man went out, but after few seconds he came back, knocked again, woman opened and he said: Grandma? I love you. It was beautiful.

So many things to say during the day.

How to live further when only J is in mind. Dont know and never will know.