Sunday 25/04 one week after paradise
I never thought it can be so difficult to live. After not easy story of my life and many very difficult moments this one is the most.
I spend again near whole sunday outside walking. Crying. Calling Juleczka. Hoping. Its still not even one week, but adrenaline of first days go slowly away, and now thoughts about losing my life chance, the best person i couldnt even imagine i will meet, these thoughts dont give me a real possibilities that i can manage with my future. Without J nothing has sense.
Exactly one week ago we spend marvelous, marvelous day. Couldnt be more happy. We went by the Wisla, we sat there two hours, Julunia made a salad for lunch, we drank a beer, ate rice cakes, we sat on the stone on the wild part of river. How happy we were. We came back home, drank a coffee, and then went to play chess outside and then badminton. What a day, what a time. We came back for dinner, played trivia game, made love, took a shower together. Sounds like a paradise? It was paradise... And today, only seven days after???
No sign from Julunia. She doesnt want to talk to mee, i wait and hope, but She is so hurted that i understand it. I do believe still that everything could be fixed, there is a possible future, but I cannot force Her. If for J what i did to Her, these awful laying is to much, I can do nothing now.
I would like to turn back time, be brave and said truth from beginning, maybe it would have been easier? For sure more fair and less painfull.
I dont know where She is, what does She do, what are Her plans, how is She? I know about me: i feel that i am the worst man in the world, who dare hurt so gentle and marvelous Woman. I know that suffering so strongly now, i pay for my sins. But how is She? Also very painfull or maybe She hates me so much now that feel a little relief that we broke. After what I did. Because in general I know thay She loved me. I cannot ask, I cannot write.
I would give me soul just to talk to Her, apologize directly, touch Her, see Juleczka smile, eyes. Hug Her. O God, keep J under your protection. Help also me to survive, dont take hope away.
I will always hope and love...