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To Lukasz 2020:
Never start lying
You have the reason or not
You think it will help
No, it wont
Lies never helps
For a while it seems yes
Later destroys everything
There is nothing like good lies
You will not recover later
To Lukasz before 2019:
Never start love
You dont deserve
It will pain
Both
You will hurt
Other are not prepared for this
You are not prepared
You will not recover after being left
Pain will increase every single day
Until you will stop fight
You will lose
Love is stronger than you
Never start love
Very bad night behind.
Man snoring loudly from few days in the room doesnt allow to sleep. Tonight was also quite big drizzle after vaccination. I am so tired.
I cannot understand how you can keep on saying everyday over one year how much you love and then leave like this without trying to understand, without trying to put yourself into my position with all my fears after this life experience. Without listening. I cannot.
I put myself many times in your position and yes, i would feel very bad, dissapointed, fucked. But i would try to understand. I would fight for love if I really loved.
I cannot understand....
Nothing new to write.
Another unreal depressed day. Instead of walking now somewhere together i am in full of depression in a hostel room.
Today I got a covid vaxination, so i am free to go wherever i want, but without her there is no point. Without Her i didnt watch any moovie, didnt go for a walk, didnt eat any salad, broccula. Nothing. Most things had sense only with her. I thought that for her also. I was sure...
To myself:
You are so useless piece of shit, that woman who loved you, dont want to talk to you. Dont want to see you. Dont want anything from you. She hates you. You idiot, will not be anymore happy. You will not smile anymore. You are just piece of shit...
22 days is enough to say that this is not truth what is happening. I fucked so much that She doesnt want to send me any message knowing how i wait for it. She doesnt care anymore. I show all i can respecting her words to keep silence. But her? You loving someone and you leave like this?
Tak, I loved, love and never will stop. Every fucking minute I think how she is doing and how is She. And wait, wait, wait for any message. I wasted all love She had for me. Nothing left there. But i still cannot believe that this is She, my Treasure, my Love, my Everything.
I am very fragile and emotional man. You know this. I am not like other man. I am destroyed. Totally. Without any chance to recover without you.
I didnt know what is love during whole my life. Now I found out. And I am not able to live anymore without it. Without you.
I survived so many things. My not easy childhood, sickness and death of my Mother, losing job, finding myself in situation when i have to pay big credit not taken by me, going down and as a lawyer working in so shitty jobs, leaving me alone by me family, sleeping on the airport, having no back nowhere, sickness of my father. But losing you is something which all things above together are not even one percent. I am literally dying. I didnt deserve for this treatment. For leaving me as piece of shit. I loved you whole my body and my soul. And i am just not able to live anymore. I would like to see you one more time and you didnt enable me this. You took me as a biggest shit in this world knowing that I have already treated myself as this. I will never stop loving you. Every day is worse and worse. I just cannot...
You told me so many times that you love me. You told me that you will be not able to fall asleep without me. Then you said we walked together for a while. Its the most cruel sentence i heard in my life.
I have no more point to struggle another and another day. My health is going down very quickly. Physically and brain.
The worst all this shit is caused by me, the stupiest idiot on this world. I have the biggest Treasure next to me and I lost it.
...........
Another night dreaming about You ahead.