Lukasz trying to deal with life, wpisy, strona 8

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Archiwum maj 2021, strona 8

Another day run with false hope.

So worried how is She. What does She do? Does She sometimes think about me? Is it possible that from one hour to another hour, after find out that I lied a lot, She completely changed Her attitude? From big love to big hate?

This question will never let me stay calmly. I deserved to be hated, but people who I loved also deserved for it but I couldnt stop love them. Not the same, but just an example thats not so easy to stop love.

I would so much love to talk to Her. Directly, we can still be so happy. I would never do the same mistake... never hurt...

Man who i work for today ordered a pizza. I choose of course Hot habanas, like always with my Julunia. And you know what diary? It didnt taste me. Everything had taste only with Juleczka next to me.

Difficult day. Exactly 6 years when I last talked to my mother. And i remember everything. Then She began 10 day process of dissappearing and dying... Mother, sorry for all my mistakes. Please, ask God for my future...

Also exactly 2 weeks when I last time talked to my Love. And since then every minute wait for any contact. I so much love Her and dont imagine life without.

Some people say: fight, do everything, go to Her, send a lot of messages. Do it when its still time. And I dont know if I should do it. She asked me for time, She asked to let Her go. But i still believe She really loved me. And can look at whole situation more widely. I fucked, of course. I am guilty of course. But I do everything to fix it. And I wait, and always will...

I should have never done it this way. I lost myself. Thats obvious. And didnt have anyone to ask how to fix it. I would never done the same. But cazzo, did i do it for myself, did i steal money for having fun. No, i pay not my debt. Now i dont know what was bigger fault: sign this document or didnt tell Julunia? Both have deciding influence on my life. Second is still to be fixed. But how can i do it when She doesnt know anything and even doesnt want to know. Cazzo, what can i do.

Its already two weeks since we had our marvelous sunday by the wisla, with chess and badminton outside. Its 13 days since we last time talked, kissed, loved. 9 days without any message.

After first shock, when Julunia didnt want to see, to talk, i did undestand it. But i still hoped and still hope checking phone every hour that She will say: lets talk. We spend near 1,5 years together and we were so in love. I fucked, like idiot, but after whole my life only with lost, i fucked because i was scarried, not because i wanted.to hurt Her. I would preffer to die, than hurt my Love.

I lost my normal childhood. Spending many many evenings in a window with my Mother waiting for my father. Will he be drank again? Will he come.back safely by car or there will be any accident? Will it be a big problems, will he scream and threat my Mother again or he will quite quick go to sleep? Will we sleep normally?

I lost my first possible girlfriend, because i was to ashamed, that i can reach her. I was coward already when i was teenager. Then because of this situation i lost many years because i couldnt look at other girls.

I lost my very good work, because they closed office and then i had to take care of my Mother amd after i could find another good work.

I lost my beloved Mother, who sacraficed Her life for us, Her sons. She died beacuse of cancer and life never looks the same after this.

I lost my financial status, when they closed my office. When.before i.signed a document that i will have to pay debt if sth happen to my beloved. And inmediatelly it happens and i left with all of this alone.

I lost my family, because they didnt accept what happened and left it only for my shoulders. I lost my proud.because i had to leave country, work.in many shitty jobs just to pay a debt.

I lost my faith and hope that sth can be better in my life. And then came She. My Angel. My Love. My everything. I didnt want to have another lost. I didnt want to lose Her.

And then i lost my humanity. Because i didnt tell Her all of this.

And i lost Her....

Sitting in a hostel room. Listening third time today all songs we sang together.

Nothing has sense without my Love. I dont contact, because She asked me. She doesnt because Dhe hates me after all my lies.

I would do everything. Never again lies. If I only can come back time. We would be the most happy couple in world. She with her marvelous character would give me power to deal with my things and then become new life, I would protect Her from whole danger from the world. And never hurt again. Always face truth.

I am so depressed. How is She? Will I ever know it?

God, give Her power. Help also me to deal.

Lukasz trying to deal with life

Kalendarz

Strony

Archiwum

Archiwum maj 2021, strona 8

03/05 17:33 i call i call, but silent all...

Sunday 02/05 18:48 two weeks after paradise...

Saturday 01/05 19:58

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24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31	01	02	03	04	05	06

pn	wt	sr	cz	pt	so	nd
26	27	28	29	30	01	02
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31	01	02	03	04	05	06

pn	wt	sr	cz	pt	so	nd
26	27	28	29	30	01	02
03	04	05	06	07	08	09
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31	01	02	03	04	05	06