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Mamo, dokladnie 7 lat temu, o tej godzinie, wolajac prawdopodobnie mnie, według słów innej pani, w pustej sali szpitalnej, odetchnęłaś po raz ostatni.
Tak bardzo Cię kocham.
Przepraszam i dziękuję.
Mam nadzieję, że masz już spokój, którego nie miałaś za życia. Że już się nie martwisz.
Do zobaczenia Mamo....
Have absolutely no power to write here. Everyday I try, but its above my ability.
Today I had again a good dream about Her, so its easier...
Noone read it and I doubt someone will ever, but it must be difficult and boring to see. Only complains, sadness, tears. But its my life, how it looks, and will always.
Pray for my Dad every day. A lot. Lies with big pain, no ability to moove, to speak. How much does He has to suffer this life. Yes, He made a lot of mistakes when was younger and I was a kid, but God... How much... Its enough, doesnt it? I so much would love to see Him again alive. My plans are to go to Him end of May/beginning of June. But I ask God, to not allow to make Him so much suffering. And maybe to not be aware about how does it look...
Every day this days I remind my beloved Mum. 7 years ago, today about 6:30 pm I saw Her for the last time. I so much miss Her. If She exist, maybe She would be able to make me stand up... She loved me like noone else...
And Julunia. Nothing change and will never change. When I have a dream about Her, sometimes better, sometimes worse, I am grateful. So much grateful. That I saw Her, in this dream. Listened Her voice, look at Her face. The best what happened in this life to me.
Here difficult also physically. Since my last note, I mooved to other room. When I am alone. But still when I come back from work, I am able to sleep 3-4 hours, then tired whole day. I am not able to change it. Try everything. I need this work. Ruin my healt, but I need it.
Driving that night I am thinking only about this yesterday dream.
I was dead tired and I felt asleep about 7 pm and had MARVELOUS dream about Her. About us. Everything was like in real story but we came back to Love. She forgave me. In this dream, I remember, I was just hoping that its not a dream, thats it reality.... Then my roommate woke me up, I made this note here from yesterday, and at 10 pm (after 1 hour of being awake) I felt asleep again for one hour and had a continuing of this dream. Something unreal. So SHE was different in look. She put on her weight much, maybe 20 kg. When I saw Her first time in that dream, I remember my first thought was: " oh, I also so much loved Her body, its a pity", but after one minute She smiled to me with Her magnificent eyes and this thought went away. I was thinking: spirit, spirit is the clue. When she loved me for first time, it was like medicine given to very sick person. And then when this medicine is taken away, its not possible to struggle without. So, the most importans, She is here. Her soul is what I need to live"...
Then I woke up and went for work. And now working think about this two but like one dreams.
What a dream I just had. What a dream... The best dream I have in my life. Nothing can be better than in it.
Thank You God for this dream. Two hours of sleeping and I was the most happy man in world.
Tato kochany,
Can you wait for me?
I know thats a selfish thinking. Last time when.I saw you I was sure its the last time.
But You have unreal spirit fight. You have no power. You cannot stand. You cannot eat. You cannot open eyes. But you still fight.
I so much would like to see You one more time. In the end of May, to go to Poland. To hold Your hand. To talk to You. Without answer. But I know you would hear.
If it means not too much pain for You, wait for me.
I hope you know, that I love you whole my heart. And thanks God for Your change, for Your being to me.
...