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Lukasz trying to deal with life

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Najnowsze wpisy, strona 72

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Who will...

1,5 years of unreal hapiness, of being the most lucky, happy man in the world. Plain acitivity every day, which made me feel like in heaven. I will never stop dreaming that it can come back. In few months, few years, but will come. Never will stop dreaming that my Sweetie, my Juleczka, Julcia, Julunia will forgive me. 

 

Who will:

 

- stay during the night and look if i am covered properly,

- kiss me very gentle in the neck, coming back to sleep,

- hug me from the back so lovely that i felt asleep immediatelly and slept like a baby,

- massage my back, my legs, arms, knees so naturally, that my pain went away directly,

- welcome a new day with the beautest smile in the world, kiss me, lie with me few more minutes and then say to the world: good morning world, good morning mama warsaw, good morning tree,

- make a marvelous two coffees with a cornflakes and sandwich and bring me to the bed saying: smacznego Łukaszek,

- call me everytime so sweetly, so gentle, Łukaszek,

- be so gentle to write in her own diary every morning about what happened yesterday and which dreams dreamed,

- ask me if i met Winston and be so happy if it happened,

- be always worried how is going my things, my day, how do i feel, if everything is all right,

- make me unreal tasty sandwich for work which i eat aftwr short while, because its so pyszne,

- sing with me all our songs, repeated very often, with our special rythms,

- sing songs in polish with created words,

- say: Łukaszek, ja jestem bardzo gruba, taking into account of being the most siuda woman in the world,

- be so gentle, fragile, like any other woman in the world,

- hug me so naturally, look at me with so much live, trust and happiness,

- smile to me with without doubts the beautest smile in the world,

- be worried about me when we played our game in pretending that sth happened to me and after discovered that its pretending, blowing into my belly,

- tell me: ja lubie twoja szyja, ja lubie twoje nogi, what a nogi you have, ja lubie twoje plecy, ja lubie twoje cialo, what a cialo you have

- wave me and send kissed going to work when one of us was out and second in the window,

- say me that i am pyszne.pl,

- ask me: a Ty? Or answered: ja teszzzz.

- send me a message from everywhere: tram, work, shop, forest, home telling what She does and how is it going with me,

- be aim of finish work quick as possible to come home and see the beautest picture in the world: Juleczka sitting by the table and rocking/drawing, welcoming me so marvelous smile that everything else doesnt matter, and hugs me so gentle that life became a paradise,

- drink with me afternoon coffee with biscuits, which tastes only with J next to me,

- ask me with shy: 5 min of laying? And then lay with me completely hugging each other, when this moment  becomes like biggest relief after work,

- be interested how went my day, about everything what happened and telling me everything about Her day,

- go for a marvelous walk with me even when its cloudy, cold or windy,

- admire surrounding environment, shadows of moon, sun, trees, heaven, being so fascinated like a kid who sees it first time,

- hold my hand everytime we walked somewhere,

- go to the forest, to our drzewo which i dont want to see without Julunia next to me,

- go to play badminton with me not forced, but really wanted to do this, giving me so much pleasure,

- call me: my Słoneczko, my Kolibriczko,

- tell me: ja bardzo kocham ciebie,

- make a list and go with me to Biedroneczka for our usual things, which i never eaten before and never will eat again without Juleczka next to me,

- will be always afraid if i have everything:  clothes, food,

- make with me dinner together: our marvelous salad and eat it from shared bowl, feeding me and kissing,

- look for a moovie which can interest me, watch with me on a bed holding our bodies and then rate it,

- ask me if we are going to make a job done before sleeping which meant: make a bed, change a clothes, brush teeth,

 

- play with me our games in the evening: trivia games, chess, Nikki game, schody, badminton to the bowls, near every evening before moovie and sleeping,

- make a puzzle with me with so much passion, then glue it, tape it and put on the floor,

- being so happy about eating breakfast in the bed on saturday and sunday morning,

- make a marvelous love with me, with so much feelings

- talk to me about everything, shares with me fears, hopes, happiness,

- be my Sweetie, Kochanie, Juleczka, Julunia, Julcia, biggest Treasure,

- deny that i am not stary, gruby i brzydki,

- talk with me before falling asleep, hug me from the back, making falling asleep like the easiest thing in the world,

- kiss me everywhere and everytime, hug me hundreds time per day, telling me thay i am so sweet and all others best thing which man can hear from a woman.

- look at me with a trust, love, like noone before and noone never again in the future,

- share a pizza with me eating her half which was wegetarianska bez sera i bez cebuli, always the same and always so happy eating it,

- be the biggest treasure i could meet on my way,

- look at me like J, kiss me like J, hold my hand like J, hug me like J, love me like J,

- take happiness from the most normal and plain things in the world like sun shining, plant growing,

- be so fragile like noone else making art: pictures, plates, taking pleasure from creating beauty,

- the same with me about this crazy world: no drugs, parties, prostitution, accidental love,

- share the same that for happiness enough is second person next to, noone else,

- be so happy when being aware that sth nice happened to me, when i can eat sth pyszne, being more happy about my pleasure than i was,

- be aim of getting up, shopping, eating, working,

- again smiling to me like a angel,

- have fun about my stupid jokes,

- hug me and making me coming back to life when sth bad happened,

- asking with a worrying: dlaczego pan jest smutny? Dlaczego pan nie dziala,

- making marvelous face which i loved when pretending that She is jealous about sth which force me to hug J from the back and making Her come back,

- improve polish being so happy about this, saying many words with sweet mistakes,

- say me so many important words about world, reality,

- tell me: ty jestes cudowny jak morze, ja bardzo kocham Ciebie,

- take a shower with me, washing our bodies one another,

- take care of any things i forgot to do, like my second hand,

- rock/draw marvelous plates or pictures singing in a meanwhile

- make me feel that i am the most lucky man in the world, that life after so much suffer in previous life has a marvelous sense,

- make me proud going for a walk when we hold our hands and i felt so proudly that i have so beautiful, sweet woman, who loves me and i love Her,

- be my second part without i am not able to live,

- be my one and only,

- person who i can true love like noone before and noone after.

 

Who will make other hundreds things which my destroyed mind doesnt remember during making.this not. 

I will never stop dreaming that all of this will come back.

 

23 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

22/04 17:09 never been so difficult

Time will never heal this hurt.

Coming back from work nos. Work near all time wirh tears. And pictures. Cannot even for one second stop thinking about Juleczka. I apologized man who i worked for and explained him that i am not able to talk, to smile, i will just do my things. Last time i worked for him i just counted time coming back home to see my Princess. I came, we drank a quick coffee and then went for a lamp. What a time it was, i was so happy having someone to come back. Even 4 days ago she loved me so much. 

Now i am checking how was situation one week ago. I was coming back from Sylwek, Julia worked for Bernard. I came back quite late but we ate a marvelous pizza this evening. Last together. We were so happy. ONE WEEK AGO.

Now no point to come back home. What for?

I checked every 10 min if there is any light at phone, maybe she is ready to talk. No and probably never will be. But my hope will never die. Never. She beged me to not contact. I love her so much, but respecting this i somehow have to do it.

 

Difficult also physically. Not sleep and eat start giving results. What for to live any other hour, day?

22 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Thursday 22/04 8:22

Going to work. After sleeping 3 hours (8 hours in general in last three nights). Dont see any sense of going to work. I have no more aid to live.

Knowing what I did to Julcia, i dont uderstand why i have no chance to see and meet her, say few words. After all we survived together. I read a lot of stories about crisis in relation. People usually guve each other second chance. If not for being together, then at least fot talk and explain. She loved me so much and in one hour it became from love to hate so much. To hate so much that J cannot even look at me?

Yesterday i saw her. Maybe not her but her hoodie. I finished work and i went for academy, waited over 3 hours until she left. Then i saw her probably for the last time in my life. Whole me screamed go to her, talk to her, see last time her eyes, but i respected her choice when she many times wrote me that she doesnt want to see me. From love to hate so easily. What did you do you useless idiot? Losing such an angel.

I go to work with the people i already worked many times. I checked when was the last time i worked with them. 12 of march. And immediatelly went to whatsapp to remind this days. As always we corresponded during the day asking how is it going. It was Friday. Then after work we went to Arkadia to leroy merlin for lamp for Juleczka. She was so happy after buying. She could rock her marvelous art. She also sent me a message that loves me so much. Many hearts, marvelous voice. How happy i was that 12 of march. And how destroyed am i now.

And now i am the stop i was also one week ago going to work to Sylwek at Szeligi. Even one week ago i was so happy. Even 4 days ago having her next to me. So loved me.

 

During last night we corresponded through emails. I begged her last time about meeting. She sent me few messages that i lost all my hope i had even yesterday. No chance for anything.

No sense to live anymore.

22 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Night from 21 to 22

I didnt sleep last two nights. I am not even close to fall asleep now after 2 am. I cannot do anything.

I think my life is going to quick end.

22 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

"W taką ciszę"

One of our song. One of our firts song. With my transation. What a words. How dear Mirek knew?

 

Nie o uśmiech mi chodzi
Bo się śmiałaś nie raz
Ale o to, co kiedyś utworzyło się w nas
Coś co przyszło tak nagle
I odeszło jak wiatr
Czego w życiu najbardziej mi brak
W taką, w taką cisze
Wszystkie gwiazdy na niebie wyliczę
Ciebie, Ciebie wołam
Ale cisza i pustka dookoła
Przychodziłaś, co wieczór
By posłuchać mych płyt
O miłości w ogóle nie mówiliśmy nic
Odjechałaś tak nagle i cichutko jak mysz
Zostawiłaś swój adres i list
W taką, w taką cisze
Wszystkie gwiazdy na niebie wyliczę
Ciebie, Ciebie wołam
Ale cisza i pustka dookoła
Jesteś moim aniołem i miłością bez dna
Jesteś moją boginią, którą widzę co dnia
Jakże długo mam czekać, jakże prosić Ciebie mam
Karzesz trwać w niepewności więc trwam
W taką, w taką cisze
Wszystkie gwiazdy na niebie wyliczę
Ciebie, Ciebie wołam
Ale cisza i pustka dookoła
Choć dostaje twe listy i zdjęć parę twych mam
Żyje jak grzeszny anioł w tłumie ludzi lecz sam
Jeszcze w liście nadzieja, że spotkamy się znów
Do księżyca się śmieje przywołując Cię wróć
W taką, w taką cisze
Wszystkie gwiazdy na niebie wyliczę
Ciebie, Ciebie wołam
Ale cisza i pustka dookoła.
 
I dont mind about smile,
cause you smiled many times, 
I mind about what happened once with us,
What came so suddenly
And went away like wind,
What i miss the most in life.
 
IN THAT, THAT, SILENCE
I WILL COUNT ALL STARS ON THE HEAVEN
YOU, I CALL YOU
BUT ONLY SILENCE AND EMPTINESS ARROUND
 
You came every evening
To listen to my records,
We didnt talk about love at all,
You went away so suddenly and silently like mouse
You left your address and letter
 
IN THAT, THAT, SILENCE
I WILL COUNT ALL STARS ON THE HEAVEN
YOU, I CALL YOU
BUT ONLY SILENCE AND EMPTINESS ARROUND
 
You are my angel and love without end,
You are my goddess, who i see every day,
How long do i have to wait, how can i ask you
You force me to stay uncertain, so i stand
 
IN THAT, THAT, SILENCE
I WILL COUNT ALL STARS ON THE HEAVEN
YOU, I CALL YOU
BUT ONLY SILENCE AND EMPTINESS ARROUND
 
I get your letters and keep few of your photo
I live like a sin angel in crowd but alone.
Hoping that we will meet again
Smiling to the moon i call you come back
 
21 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz
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