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Lukasz trying to deal with life

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Najnowsze wpisy, strona 71

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Our food together

Food, sounds like sth not worthy to talk about. Its just eating. No, it isnt. It was like this before meeting Julcia, and came back again now when She is not here. But with J was always sth important, eat with someone beloved made from food a masterpiece.

After dead of my Mother, when i became alone, i didnt care about food. I usually ate plain sandwiches or bought at shop ready to eat things like hot dogs. Always thought that there is no point to spend half an hour of cooking just to eat in 5 min. Beeing with J changed everything. When you have someone you share everyrhing, cooking became very nice pleasure. Now it came back to the past. I again started eat just sandwiches and i will not cook for sure just for myself. My belly had just this 14 months of fest.

Julcia changed totally my habits. I started eating a lot of vegetarian foods, vegetables, less meat, what before Her i couldnt suspect about me.

We usually made our shopping at Biedronka. We made togethet list, but our saturday weekly shopping looked usually the same. Firstly at first fridge we took soups and hummus, from the other one cabbage, tofu, salad and if it was - also falafel. Many months it was out of stock, but on last weekend it came. Julcia bought it and was so happy, but then finally before leaving room and me we just ate two pieces in salad of Sunday by the river.

Then Julcia took care about fruits: bananeczka, apples, oranges, mandarinka, grapefruits, kiwi and on summertime also ananas. In the same time i collected vegetables: broccula, kalafiori, potatoes, carrots, tomatoes and pepper. Just at the beggining we were buying also zielone ogorki but then stopped it. From this line we took also bakery - cztery pory roku rolls for me and poranna fitness roll for Julcia. Then rice cakes and piadina. We went to the back of the shop and there sometimes we bought cheese and meet for me.

On the other line we took ciecioreczki, corn, peas, ogorki konserwowe, whick J as an Italian didnt know before but love them. Then Julcia insisted me to buy a lot if sweets for me. She was always more worried about me than Her. On the same line, when we finished at home, we took a coffee, which J loved very much. Sometimes also kasza and rice. On the second side of this line Julcia took cornflakes: plain and honey one and always asked me if i need any milk, yoghurt or kefir. 

Then we went to last part of the shop, where were Julci one and only sweets which She eats - favourite one became milk, which at the beginning She was scary to taste, because J doesnt drink milk. In last few weeks we took also herbatniki. Then we went for Julci water - gazowana zywiec zdroj in small bottles, for a juice. Last few months king was an orange Tymbark, which also at the beginning Julcia was scarried to try imagined thats to sweet, but then became favourie one. After this left just a beer for me. Julcia usually drank few swallows at home, Her favourite one is Namyslow. At last place we took our sunbites, which we always ate in the evening or during playing our games or during watching moovie.

On the other shops we made usually small shopping like meet at top market, cornflakes and chilli ogorek at carrefour, rolls, things for love and soups at zabka.

 

Our breakfast was always the same: made by Julunia mix of cornflakes for both of us and additional sandwich for me. And two coffees. After usually came Winston, first to J, then to me.

For lunch on working days we made ourselves sandwiches: Julcia for me with meet or hummus, I for Julcia with cream, tofu or hummus. With ogorek and pomidori, and pepper for J. If we are at home we ate pizza or salad, or piadina/rice cakes with hummus.

But the most important dish of the day was always dinner. Prepared together. Cooked together, eaten together, feed each other, from common bowl.

We ate piadina/rice cakes with hummus, and added salad/spinach, ogorki, pomidori. It was completely new taste which I didnt know before.

We ate soups: pomidorowa or pumpkin or marokinska or sometimes soups from zabka. Julcia usually added cieciorki, tomatoes, sometimes tofu. After soups, never during we ate or fresh cztery pory roku roll or rice cakes.

We ate pizza. Or Julcia prepared on Her own making cake and then cook it in microvawe, then add tomatoe sauce, pomidori, pepper and corn, and for me also meet and cheese. And even so plain pizza from microvawe was source of big pleasure and smile for Her. But often we ordered pizza from Telepizza and I went to collect. It was always the same: vegetariana bez sera i bez cebuli for Julunia and hot habanas for me. For Julcia tomatoe sauce, for me garlic one. It was unreal pleasure to eat it. Last time on thursday 15.04. Julunia as Italian loved this pizza, both from microvawe and from Telepizza. She never didnt need to much to feel happy.

But the King of our dinner was also salad. Consist broccula, kalafiori, brussels, potatoes, carrots, pomidori, ogorki, pepper, cieciorki, cabbage, corn or peas and sometimes tofu. Prepared together, eaten from one bowl, feed one another. Someting absolutely unforgottenable. Masterpiece.

 

Sharing food with Julcia was something unreal beauty. I never thought that making food, spending time on cooking can be sth worthy. But seeing happy face of Julcia eating sth She liked was unbeatable. Will stay always in my mind. And still.hoping that we will eat a lot of time more together.

24 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Saturday evening

First whole day without work alone, without my Happiness. I tried to find a work, cause i need money and i dont need free time alone, but noone called.

I stand up very early, did duties at home, went out after 9, came back for a quick small shopping at Biedronka and went away again. In general i was outside near 9 hours. Without any duties. 9 hours of walking, dont feel my legs. It was sunny but cold day and its already near May.

 

I went two times by our pond, to the small amd big las, i cried there a lot. Squirrels came to me but i was able just to repeat: Julcia is not here, sorry, i know that they were very dissapointed and sad seeing me alone like this. Then i went to our drzewo, couldnt climb it, just say sorry also for it, that Julunia is not here. Next one was our bench at AWF. Even this week, on Monday, 5 days ago i was sitting there with J so in love from both sides...

When we were on our last walk in las on Monday, we talked about this that some trees are starting to be green but still a lot not. Today, after only 5 days, it looked completely different. So green, everything. Julcia, only if she can see it, would be very happy, i see Her smile looking at this borning environment. Why She was not there with me today? You idiot.

Then i went by the Wisla. We were there on Sunday, 6 days ago. Eating marvelous lunch, sitting on a stones on a second wild part of river. We were so happy... Today level of water much higher, this stones we were sitting on were totally under water. What a symbol.......

If we could survive this Saturday together, it would be so marvelous. We would go for sure by the Wisla and to the las. These walks made me always so happy. Without J they have no sense.

 

I came back, legs very tired. I made a long note about our food together, but i lost it. Now sitting without any sense. sitting. Any aim. Talked a little with my farher, He is also very depressed.

How to live without any aim? 

24 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

"Tacy byliśmy jeszcze wczoraj"...

One of our main song, which we sang very often, middle part together....

So unreal sad and painful.

 

Znowu noc

Przez palce leci czas

Zimny koc Papieros dawno zgasł

I wiem, że los nie wart nawet grosza

Więc czekam po blady świt

Na tych kilka słów Weź się w garść, wytrzyj łzy

Dobrze wiem Od wczoraj ze mnie drwi

Ten twój men Jest tak głupi jak ty

Mówiłaś co dzień, że kochasz, słowa

Rzucane jak pył na wiatr

Po co wściekłe łzy Lepiej wrócić na start

Tacy byliśmy jeszcze wczoraj

Wystarczał mały gest, wystarczał gest

(Tacy sami jeszcze wczoraj)

I wszystko miało sens

Tacy byliśmy jeszcze wczoraj

A dzisiaj tak jak sen skończyło się

(Tacy sami jeszcze wczoraj)

I gdzie to wszystko jest

Ostry klin Nie może wprawić w trans

Kilka win Nie powiększy mych szans

Już wiem, że mogę dziś tylko czekać

Aż zniknie mi z oczu cień

Może jeszcze dziś Przyjdzie ten dobry dzień

Znowu noc

Przez palce leci czas

I wiem, że los nie wart nawet grosza

Więc czekam po blady świt

Na tych kilka słów Weź się w garść, wytrzyj łzy

Tacy byliśmy jeszcze wczoraj...

 

 

It's night again

Time's running through my fingers

Cold blanket Cigarette's gone out long time ago And I know that the fate is not worth a penny

So I'm waiting until dawn

For those few words

Get yourself together, wipe out your tears

I know so well He gibes at me

This man of yours Is as stupid as you are

You've told me everyday that you love me, words

Thrown as dust in the wind

Why angry tears It's better to start again

That's the way we were only yesterday

A small gesture was enough, was enough

(The same only yesterday)

And all made sense

That's the way we were only yesterday

But today it's ended like a dream

(The same only yesterday)

So where is it now

Hair of the dog Cannot get me into trance

A few wines Won't improve my chances

Now I know I only can wait today

Until the shade's gone from my eyes

Maybe today The good day will come

It's night again Time's running through my fingers

And I know that the fate is not worth a penny

So I'm waiting until dawn For those few words

Get yourself together, wipe out your tears

That's the way we were only yesterday

A small gesture was enough, was enough

(The same only yesterday)

And all made sense

That's the way we were only yesterday

But today it's ended like a dream

(The same only yesterday)

So where is it now

 

 

 

24 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Saturday morning

I suspected that it will be difficutllt, but never thought that soul can suffer in this way.

I had few lost in my life. I lost my normal childhood in some kind of meaning, because of my father. Then i lost my mother, She had a cancer and i took care of Her in last few months of live and then survived Her death. 

But this kind of lost which is happening now, i cannot compare to anything else. I was wholr 36 years alone. I always had immagination of my dreamed woman and never met someone like in this dream, so i didnt want to force myself to love. I had so many opportunites, so many girls wanted to be with me, but i always was against. I was waiting for my dreamed one, and i was sure She will never come. I lead a lonely life and i felt normal with this. Since i met Julunia in December 2019, started talk to Her, meet and then finally started live together on 3rd of March 2020, i and my soul was sent to a paradise. This was a dream. She is exactly like my dreamed woman: unreal beutiful, but the most important fragile, innocent, sensitive, doesnt run like most of woman in this world, no drugs, no alcohol, no accidental love. A little childish in a meaning that She appreciate all small things arround like sun or moon on a heaven, colour of trees, very small things make Julunia happy. This is unreal, what kind of personality J has added to how lovely She looks.

And now i lost it. Every single minutes is awful struggle to survive. I come back to lonely house, where She doesnt wait with goddess smile, which always made me feel the most lucky person in the world. Noone talk to me, noone is interested how is going my day. I keep on looking every 15 min on the phone, knowing that there will be no lights about messages at all. But last 1,5 years when we were at work or wherever i did it, because in every time i could receive message that She loves me, how is it going Her day, being interested how is it going my, if i am not hungry, if everything is all right.

I cannot go anywhere because everything reminds me Juleczka. When.i go to Top market, to zabka, to tram nr 33, to bus 180, when i go by path, whatever i do, i keep saying that last time i was there,.there.was Julunia next to me.

I am not able to sleep, today i waked up like always very early and i forced myself to sweep floor, which always did Juleczke every second day, i forced myself to shave, to throw rubbish, to take a shower. Ok, but its 9 in morning and its saturday,.so what i am supposed to do in whole day, when nothing has sense. I look for the work, but so far there is nothing. I am not interested in watching sport, channel on tv, reading news, i am not interested in anything. When J was arround i had no time for anything, we always made plan: watch moovie, play board game, make love, lie together or what would be for sure in this sunny day - go for a walk. I am not able to go to the forest, to our drzewo, i will not stand it.

Last Saturday at this time we had a breakfast in the bed. We were eatng cornflakes, drinking coffee, seating on not spreaded bed, we were both so happy. And now?

In last days i sent to Juleczka few letters with explanation, but She keeps on repeating that She doesnt want any message, that i have to leave Her in peace, She made decision and leave me. I dont know if i will even see Her again. Until She is in Warsaw (if She still is) i can at least feel Her arround. I will never ever stop dreaming that time will heal everything. I am sure that J is my one and only, if not She, noone else in the world.

Two days ago i collected from the post package for Juleczka. With a necklace which She bought for me for Valentines day. She was waiting for it so long, because She wanted to put it on me. I was also waiting for it. I never wearn sth like necklace. But as a mark of Her love to me, i would wear it with so passion. Now i am not able to open a package. It it came few days ago, it would have given us so much pleasure, so much happiness and love...

Everyone arround me, even owner of the flat who is also hurt by my behaving says me to fight of my love. But Julunia doesnt want to even see me... i have to respect Her feeling. But i will never loosr hope. Never. Until the end of my story.

24 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Who will...

1,5 years of unreal hapiness, of being the most lucky, happy man in the world. Plain acitivity every day, which made me feel like in heaven. I will never stop dreaming that it can come back. In few months, few years, but will come. Never will stop dreaming that my Sweetie, my Juleczka, Julcia, Julunia will forgive me. 

 

Who will:

 

- stay during the night and look if i am covered properly,

- kiss me very gentle in the neck, coming back to sleep,

- hug me from the back so lovely that i felt asleep immediatelly and slept like a baby,

- massage my back, my legs, arms, knees so naturally, that my pain went away directly,

- welcome a new day with the beautest smile in the world, kiss me, lie with me few more minutes and then say to the world: good morning world, good morning mama warsaw, good morning tree,

- make a marvelous two coffees with a cornflakes and sandwich and bring me to the bed saying: smacznego Łukaszek,

- call me everytime so sweetly, so gentle, Łukaszek,

- be so gentle to write in her own diary every morning about what happened yesterday and which dreams dreamed,

- ask me if i met Winston and be so happy if it happened,

- be always worried how is going my things, my day, how do i feel, if everything is all right,

- make me unreal tasty sandwich for work which i eat aftwr short while, because its so pyszne,

- sing with me all our songs, repeated very often, with our special rythms,

- sing songs in polish with created words,

- say: Łukaszek, ja jestem bardzo gruba, taking into account of being the most siuda woman in the world,

- be so gentle, fragile, like any other woman in the world,

- hug me so naturally, look at me with so much live, trust and happiness,

- smile to me with without doubts the beautest smile in the world,

- be worried about me when we played our game in pretending that sth happened to me and after discovered that its pretending, blowing into my belly,

- tell me: ja lubie twoja szyja, ja lubie twoje nogi, what a nogi you have, ja lubie twoje plecy, ja lubie twoje cialo, what a cialo you have

- wave me and send kissed going to work when one of us was out and second in the window,

- say me that i am pyszne.pl,

- ask me: a Ty? Or answered: ja teszzzz.

- send me a message from everywhere: tram, work, shop, forest, home telling what She does and how is it going with me,

- be aim of finish work quick as possible to come home and see the beautest picture in the world: Juleczka sitting by the table and rocking/drawing, welcoming me so marvelous smile that everything else doesnt matter, and hugs me so gentle that life became a paradise,

- drink with me afternoon coffee with biscuits, which tastes only with J next to me,

- ask me with shy: 5 min of laying? And then lay with me completely hugging each other, when this moment  becomes like biggest relief after work,

- be interested how went my day, about everything what happened and telling me everything about Her day,

- go for a marvelous walk with me even when its cloudy, cold or windy,

- admire surrounding environment, shadows of moon, sun, trees, heaven, being so fascinated like a kid who sees it first time,

- hold my hand everytime we walked somewhere,

- go to the forest, to our drzewo which i dont want to see without Julunia next to me,

- go to play badminton with me not forced, but really wanted to do this, giving me so much pleasure,

- call me: my Słoneczko, my Kolibriczko,

- tell me: ja bardzo kocham ciebie,

- make a list and go with me to Biedroneczka for our usual things, which i never eaten before and never will eat again without Juleczka next to me,

- will be always afraid if i have everything:  clothes, food,

- make with me dinner together: our marvelous salad and eat it from shared bowl, feeding me and kissing,

- look for a moovie which can interest me, watch with me on a bed holding our bodies and then rate it,

- ask me if we are going to make a job done before sleeping which meant: make a bed, change a clothes, brush teeth,

 

- play with me our games in the evening: trivia games, chess, Nikki game, schody, badminton to the bowls, near every evening before moovie and sleeping,

- make a puzzle with me with so much passion, then glue it, tape it and put on the floor,

- being so happy about eating breakfast in the bed on saturday and sunday morning,

- make a marvelous love with me, with so much feelings

- talk to me about everything, shares with me fears, hopes, happiness,

- be my Sweetie, Kochanie, Juleczka, Julunia, Julcia, biggest Treasure,

- deny that i am not stary, gruby i brzydki,

- talk with me before falling asleep, hug me from the back, making falling asleep like the easiest thing in the world,

- kiss me everywhere and everytime, hug me hundreds time per day, telling me thay i am so sweet and all others best thing which man can hear from a woman.

- look at me with a trust, love, like noone before and noone never again in the future,

- share a pizza with me eating her half which was wegetarianska bez sera i bez cebuli, always the same and always so happy eating it,

- be the biggest treasure i could meet on my way,

- look at me like J, kiss me like J, hold my hand like J, hug me like J, love me like J,

- take happiness from the most normal and plain things in the world like sun shining, plant growing,

- be so fragile like noone else making art: pictures, plates, taking pleasure from creating beauty,

- the same with me about this crazy world: no drugs, parties, prostitution, accidental love,

- share the same that for happiness enough is second person next to, noone else,

- be so happy when being aware that sth nice happened to me, when i can eat sth pyszne, being more happy about my pleasure than i was,

- be aim of getting up, shopping, eating, working,

- again smiling to me like a angel,

- have fun about my stupid jokes,

- hug me and making me coming back to life when sth bad happened,

- asking with a worrying: dlaczego pan jest smutny? Dlaczego pan nie dziala,

- making marvelous face which i loved when pretending that She is jealous about sth which force me to hug J from the back and making Her come back,

- improve polish being so happy about this, saying many words with sweet mistakes,

- say me so many important words about world, reality,

- tell me: ty jestes cudowny jak morze, ja bardzo kocham Ciebie,

- take a shower with me, washing our bodies one another,

- take care of any things i forgot to do, like my second hand,

- rock/draw marvelous plates or pictures singing in a meanwhile

- make me feel that i am the most lucky man in the world, that life after so much suffer in previous life has a marvelous sense,

- make me proud going for a walk when we hold our hands and i felt so proudly that i have so beautiful, sweet woman, who loves me and i love Her,

- be my second part without i am not able to live,

- be my one and only,

- person who i can true love like noone before and noone after.

 

Who will make other hundreds things which my destroyed mind doesnt remember during making.this not. 

I will never stop dreaming that all of this will come back.

 

23 kwietnia 2021   Dodaj komentarz
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