Lukasz trying to deal with life

I suspected that it will be difficutllt, but never thought that soul can suffer in this way.

I had few lost in my life. I lost my normal childhood in some kind of meaning, because of my father. Then i lost my mother, She had a cancer and i took care of Her in last few months of live and then survived Her death. 

But this kind of lost which is happening now, i cannot compare to anything else. I was wholr 36 years alone. I always had immagination of my dreamed woman and never met someone like in this dream, so i didnt want to force myself to love. I had so many opportunites, so many girls wanted to be with me, but i always was against. I was waiting for my dreamed one, and i was sure She will never come. I lead a lonely life and i felt normal with this. Since i met Julunia in December 2019, started talk to Her, meet and then finally started live together on 3rd of March 2020, i and my soul was sent to a paradise. This was a dream. She is exactly like my dreamed woman: unreal beutiful, but the most important fragile, innocent, sensitive, doesnt run like most of woman in this world, no drugs, no alcohol, no accidental love. A little childish in a meaning that She appreciate all small things arround like sun or moon on a heaven, colour of trees, very small things make Julunia happy. This is unreal, what kind of personality J has added to how lovely She looks.

And now i lost it. Every single minutes is awful struggle to survive. I come back to lonely house, where She doesnt wait with goddess smile, which always made me feel the most lucky person in the world. Noone talk to me, noone is interested how is going my day. I keep on looking every 15 min on the phone, knowing that there will be no lights about messages at all. But last 1,5 years when we were at work or wherever i did it, because in every time i could receive message that She loves me, how is it going Her day, being interested how is it going my, if i am not hungry, if everything is all right.

I cannot go anywhere because everything reminds me Juleczka. When.i go to Top market, to zabka, to tram nr 33, to bus 180, when i go by path, whatever i do, i keep saying that last time i was there,.there.was Julunia next to me.

I am not able to sleep, today i waked up like always very early and i forced myself to sweep floor, which always did Juleczke every second day, i forced myself to shave, to throw rubbish, to take a shower. Ok, but its 9 in morning and its saturday,.so what i am supposed to do in whole day, when nothing has sense. I look for the work, but so far there is nothing. I am not interested in watching sport, channel on tv, reading news, i am not interested in anything. When J was arround i had no time for anything, we always made plan: watch moovie, play board game, make love, lie together or what would be for sure in this sunny day - go for a walk. I am not able to go to the forest, to our drzewo, i will not stand it.

Last Saturday at this time we had a breakfast in the bed. We were eatng cornflakes, drinking coffee, seating on not spreaded bed, we were both so happy. And now?

In last days i sent to Juleczka few letters with explanation, but She keeps on repeating that She doesnt want any message, that i have to leave Her in peace, She made decision and leave me. I dont know if i will even see Her again. Until She is in Warsaw (if She still is) i can at least feel Her arround. I will never ever stop dreaming that time will heal everything. I am sure that J is my one and only, if not She, noone else in the world.

Two days ago i collected from the post package for Juleczka. With a necklace which She bought for me for Valentines day. She was waiting for it so long, because She wanted to put it on me. I was also waiting for it. I never wearn sth like necklace. But as a mark of Her love to me, i would wear it with so passion. Now i am not able to open a package. It it came few days ago, it would have given us so much pleasure, so much happiness and love...

Everyone arround me, even owner of the flat who is also hurt by my behaving says me to fight of my love. But Julunia doesnt want to even see me... i have to respect Her feeling. But i will never loosr hope. Never. Until the end of my story.

1,5 years of unreal hapiness, of being the most lucky, happy man in the world. Plain acitivity every day, which made me feel like in heaven. I will never stop dreaming that it can come back. In few months, few years, but will come. Never will stop dreaming that my Sweetie, my Juleczka, Julcia, Julunia will forgive me. 

Who will:

- stay during the night and look if i am covered properly,

- kiss me very gentle in the neck, coming back to sleep,

- hug me from the back so lovely that i felt asleep immediatelly and slept like a baby,

- massage my back, my legs, arms, knees so naturally, that my pain went away directly,

- welcome a new day with the beautest smile in the world, kiss me, lie with me few more minutes and then say to the world: good morning world, good morning mama warsaw, good morning tree,

- make a marvelous two coffees with a cornflakes and sandwich and bring me to the bed saying: smacznego Łukaszek,

- call me everytime so sweetly, so gentle, Łukaszek,

- be so gentle to write in her own diary every morning about what happened yesterday and which dreams dreamed,

- ask me if i met Winston and be so happy if it happened,

- be always worried how is going my things, my day, how do i feel, if everything is all right,

- make me unreal tasty sandwich for work which i eat aftwr short while, because its so pyszne,

- sing with me all our songs, repeated very often, with our special rythms,

- sing songs in polish with created words,

- say: Łukaszek, ja jestem bardzo gruba, taking into account of being the most siuda woman in the world,

- be so gentle, fragile, like any other woman in the world,

- hug me so naturally, look at me with so much live, trust and happiness,

- smile to me with without doubts the beautest smile in the world,

- be worried about me when we played our game in pretending that sth happened to me and after discovered that its pretending, blowing into my belly,

- tell me: ja lubie twoja szyja, ja lubie twoje nogi, what a nogi you have, ja lubie twoje plecy, ja lubie twoje cialo, what a cialo you have

- wave me and send kissed going to work when one of us was out and second in the window,

- say me that i am pyszne.pl,

- ask me: a Ty? Or answered: ja teszzzz.

- send me a message from everywhere: tram, work, shop, forest, home telling what She does and how is it going with me,

- be aim of finish work quick as possible to come home and see the beautest picture in the world: Juleczka sitting by the table and rocking/drawing, welcoming me so marvelous smile that everything else doesnt matter, and hugs me so gentle that life became a paradise,

- drink with me afternoon coffee with biscuits, which tastes only with J next to me,

- ask me with shy: 5 min of laying? And then lay with me completely hugging each other, when this moment  becomes like biggest relief after work,

- be interested how went my day, about everything what happened and telling me everything about Her day,

- go for a marvelous walk with me even when its cloudy, cold or windy,

- admire surrounding environment, shadows of moon, sun, trees, heaven, being so fascinated like a kid who sees it first time,

- hold my hand everytime we walked somewhere,

- go to the forest, to our drzewo which i dont want to see without Julunia next to me,

- go to play badminton with me not forced, but really wanted to do this, giving me so much pleasure,

- call me: my Słoneczko, my Kolibriczko,

- tell me: ja bardzo kocham ciebie,

- make a list and go with me to Biedroneczka for our usual things, which i never eaten before and never will eat again without Juleczka next to me,

- will be always afraid if i have everything:  clothes, food,

- make with me dinner together: our marvelous salad and eat it from shared bowl, feeding me and kissing,

- look for a moovie which can interest me, watch with me on a bed holding our bodies and then rate it,

- ask me if we are going to make a job done before sleeping which meant: make a bed, change a clothes, brush teeth,

- play with me our games in the evening: trivia games, chess, Nikki game, schody, badminton to the bowls, near every evening before moovie and sleeping,

- make a puzzle with me with so much passion, then glue it, tape it and put on the floor,

- being so happy about eating breakfast in the bed on saturday and sunday morning,

- make a marvelous love with me, with so much feelings

- talk to me about everything, shares with me fears, hopes, happiness,

- be my Sweetie, Kochanie, Juleczka, Julunia, Julcia, biggest Treasure,

- deny that i am not stary, gruby i brzydki,

- talk with me before falling asleep, hug me from the back, making falling asleep like the easiest thing in the world,

- kiss me everywhere and everytime, hug me hundreds time per day, telling me thay i am so sweet and all others best thing which man can hear from a woman.

- look at me with a trust, love, like noone before and noone never again in the future,

- share a pizza with me eating her half which was wegetarianska bez sera i bez cebuli, always the same and always so happy eating it,

- be the biggest treasure i could meet on my way,

- look at me like J, kiss me like J, hold my hand like J, hug me like J, love me like J,

- take happiness from the most normal and plain things in the world like sun shining, plant growing,

- be so fragile like noone else making art: pictures, plates, taking pleasure from creating beauty,

- the same with me about this crazy world: no drugs, parties, prostitution, accidental love,

- share the same that for happiness enough is second person next to, noone else,

- be so happy when being aware that sth nice happened to me, when i can eat sth pyszne, being more happy about my pleasure than i was,

- be aim of getting up, shopping, eating, working,

- again smiling to me like a angel,

- have fun about my stupid jokes,

- hug me and making me coming back to life when sth bad happened,

- asking with a worrying: dlaczego pan jest smutny? Dlaczego pan nie dziala,

- making marvelous face which i loved when pretending that She is jealous about sth which force me to hug J from the back and making Her come back,

- improve polish being so happy about this, saying many words with sweet mistakes,

- say me so many important words about world, reality,

- tell me: ty jestes cudowny jak morze, ja bardzo kocham Ciebie,

- take a shower with me, washing our bodies one another,

- take care of any things i forgot to do, like my second hand,

- rock/draw marvelous plates or pictures singing in a meanwhile

- make me feel that i am the most lucky man in the world, that life after so much suffer in previous life has a marvelous sense,

- make me proud going for a walk when we hold our hands and i felt so proudly that i have so beautiful, sweet woman, who loves me and i love Her,

- be my second part without i am not able to live,

- be my one and only,

- person who i can true love like noone before and noone after.

Who will make other hundreds things which my destroyed mind doesnt remember during making.this not. 

I will never stop dreaming that all of this will come back.

Time will never heal this hurt.

Coming back from work nos. Work near all time wirh tears. And pictures. Cannot even for one second stop thinking about Juleczka. I apologized man who i worked for and explained him that i am not able to talk, to smile, i will just do my things. Last time i worked for him i just counted time coming back home to see my Princess. I came, we drank a quick coffee and then went for a lamp. What a time it was, i was so happy having someone to come back. Even 4 days ago she loved me so much. 

Now i am checking how was situation one week ago. I was coming back from Sylwek, Julia worked for Bernard. I came back quite late but we ate a marvelous pizza this evening. Last together. We were so happy. ONE WEEK AGO.

Now no point to come back home. What for?

I checked every 10 min if there is any light at phone, maybe she is ready to talk. No and probably never will be. But my hope will never die. Never. She beged me to not contact. I love her so much, but respecting this i somehow have to do it.

Difficult also physically. Not sleep and eat start giving results. What for to live any other hour, day?

Going to work. After sleeping 3 hours (8 hours in general in last three nights). Dont see any sense of going to work. I have no more aid to live.

Knowing what I did to Julcia, i dont uderstand why i have no chance to see and meet her, say few words. After all we survived together. I read a lot of stories about crisis in relation. People usually guve each other second chance. If not for being together, then at least fot talk and explain. She loved me so much and in one hour it became from love to hate so much. To hate so much that J cannot even look at me?

Yesterday i saw her. Maybe not her but her hoodie. I finished work and i went for academy, waited over 3 hours until she left. Then i saw her probably for the last time in my life. Whole me screamed go to her, talk to her, see last time her eyes, but i respected her choice when she many times wrote me that she doesnt want to see me. From love to hate so easily. What did you do you useless idiot? Losing such an angel.

I go to work with the people i already worked many times. I checked when was the last time i worked with them. 12 of march. And immediatelly went to whatsapp to remind this days. As always we corresponded during the day asking how is it going. It was Friday. Then after work we went to Arkadia to leroy merlin for lamp for Juleczka. She was so happy after buying. She could rock her marvelous art. She also sent me a message that loves me so much. Many hearts, marvelous voice. How happy i was that 12 of march. And how destroyed am i now.

And now i am the stop i was also one week ago going to work to Sylwek at Szeligi. Even one week ago i was so happy. Even 4 days ago having her next to me. So loved me.

During last night we corresponded through emails. I begged her last time about meeting. She sent me few messages that i lost all my hope i had even yesterday. No chance for anything.

No sense to live anymore.

I didnt sleep last two nights. I am not even close to fall asleep now after 2 am. I cannot do anything.

I think my life is going to quick end.