09/10/22 11:52
So big depression. Unable to make any live acitivity. Unable to literally live.
I am so sorry diary. You are my only one friend. Who listen what I want to say. Who keeps my memory. Who keeps my paradise days from past.
And I am unable even to talk to you. To spend 5 minutes daily when all I can do it is to only think, to write here a little.
I will try. That's what I can promise.
I was in Poland. I spend there more than week. 3 nights in my father's house. On His bed. On the daytime I travelled to the village, He is a medical centre. He is so thin. He eats so few. I bought Him many fruit muss and gave Him. I was there always on a dinner time and feed Him.
I dont know if He recognizes me. During these days He said to me only few words. Most of the time He keept eyes closed. I talked to Him, fed and holded His hands. I changed a little His body position, because He is unable to moove even one centimeter.
What a pain view. What a pain is to see my beloved Father in this condition. How He struggles to live. How He struggles from 10 years already, last few especially and last 8 months without being conscious... What a example, what a signal to me. The most heartbreaking moment, when I said silently: Dad, I love you. And He answered, I dont know if with conscious or not, but He answered: Ja Ciebie też.
I dont know if I will ever see Him again. I live so far away and have just one free day in a week. If He still struggles, I will try to take any first possibility to go to Poland even for one day. But I dont want Him to suffer. After all His last years experience He deserves a paradise, if it exists...
In the afternoons I went to cementeries. Every day to my Mother. Talk to Her, make Her place lightened. I said about Father, Juleczka and my work, my life in Germany, my mental condition. But I didnt want to make Her sad again...
After 8 years I visited also cementary of my Grandparents. I also talked to Them. And first time of my life I mentioned: beloved Grandpa, maybe I am here last time of my life. So much sickness everywhere. Physical and mental. Everything can happen to me. So much stress cant affect positivily to me. Maybe my time is near. If God exists, I am sure all of you are next to Him. Please, whisper to Him about me, when its my time to go.
All others days I spent in Warsaw. Visited many places where I was the most happy man in the world. Where I holded hand of my Everything. I saw there Her, then closed eyes and stand in this a lot of time. Uncountable tears. Enough...