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Lukasz trying to deal with life

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Najnowsze wpisy, strona 32

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04/04/22 21:36

Yesterday, on Sunday, I decided to listen on youtube all music songs we always were listening together. For example "up where we belong" from the moovie. Cazzo. How many tears went down. Last time listened in our 56. Now alone. After one year of crazy missing.

I listened also a song by polish singer Michal Bajor. Very beautiful song "my biggest love", where he sings 

"Moja miłość największa (my biggest love)

Nie wie nic, że jest moja (doesnt know that its mine)

Czas ją syci jak wino (time makes her better like with wine)

Wyobraźnia upiększa" (mind makes more beautiful)

 

This is my Juleczka. Its near one year. A lot of time. For many people its time to have another few love. To get married. For me: one day, one year, 15 years doesnt matter. She was and is my only love. And I will just run my lonely life with love who is far away.

 

Today I had a strange dream. Voice said to me: who will care when you die? Its the question which I many times think about. The answer is well know. 

 

Today I started driving alone. Was easy day because not so many customers. But Tuesday are usually more busy. And I know that its impossible to deliver to all places on time. It stressed me a lot. I have very not calm head now. I finally found a stable job, but its also very stressing. There is no accident that drivers before me were here just for a while.

I will do my best. This I know. There is not so many people having this life experiences as me, so first problems will not beat me. I will try. I hope it will be enough.

Keeping in two pockets two biggest gifts all the time with me. In right one, rosary from my Father, in left castana from Julunia. I believe they help somehow.

 

04 kwietnia 2022   Dodaj komentarz

30/03/22 18:02

What can I say dear Diary?

For sure its not normal that 38 years old man publish a notes in a online diary which noone ever seen.

Its crazy hard. From near two months not even this talks to my Father which were my only oxygen.

Now here in other country. Working nights. Cant sleep in days. Not friendly environment. I ordered here a bank card and it came because one guy said me that he saw it lying on the table. And when I went to collect, it was not there anymore. Disappeared. I wrote a notes in two languages: if anyone took it, please put it back, but no results... I was waiting for this card... Now will have to order one more time...

Physically bad, big big pain from this broken rib to backbone.

Mentally dead, no hearing from Juleczka, in a while it will be one year.

One and only relief is to close eyes and remind memories. I will do it now.

30 marca 2022   Dodaj komentarz

26/03/22 18:07

I have been observing world. People. 

I cannot believe you were a Truth.

That it was not a dream.

Having you and then losing was the biggest upset anyone can imagine. No life after.

Thanks God I still can talk to you. Without answers.

Thinking about you. Dreaming.

26 marca 2022   Dodaj komentarz

25/03 17:30

Broke rib one day ago jumping from high wall to get inside one place I was supposed to deliver bakery. It pains a lot. For example I cannot turn myself on a bed from one side to the other when I lie.

Thats not a problem. Bigger is that stomach said: enough! From two days I have very serious gastro problem. I havent eaten but most of all havent drunk any hot drinks from two weeks. I am dreaming about hot tea here. Small but so serious dream.

Adding eating real rubbish food and not sleep you can easily see in which condition is my body...

Soul?... from near one year doesnt live, just exist...

Thats me on 25th of March 2022.

 

And so many kilometers from here, lie in one position among strangers, without conscious my beloved Father. Fighting to live... So much lessons for me.

Thank you, that at least you are here, dear Diary...

25 marca 2022   Dodaj komentarz

24/03/22 18:59

Hard.

Cant get used to sleep on a day time. With people arround me. So I barely sleep from one week.

Julcia never complained. Straight after coming back to Italy she started working night shift and gave back money which I was supposed to give to Her Buba. It took me one year to start doing the same.

Have a good evening Julunia...

24 marca 2022   Dodaj komentarz
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