Another defeat dear Diary. So painful. Internal defeat. Mind defeat. Kind of defeat which all my life bring me to here, where I am, to nowhere.
So many times in this life I heard not my heart, but try to think about other's heart. And where am I?
I planned travel to Italy. I had to do it in May, cause Juleczka pictures were exposed only on Saturday and Sunday in May, in library by the sea in Italy.
And since I found out about this I made a plan to visit it. I so much miss Her, that possibility to see Her (I cannot see Her face, but Her pictures are like She, cause She put Her soul on it) was ani obvious thing to do.
I couldnt do it on first two weekends in May, cause couldnt take day off at work. Third weekend I was in Poland. So the only one which left was 27-28.05.
I planned whole trip. It was not easy because there is not too much connections between my city and city of this library. But I found one. On Saturday I finished work at 9 am, I had three hours to come back home, take a shower, take a sack and without sleep go for train station. At 1:30 pm I had 8 hours train to Bologna, and from there to place of library another train at 9:30 pm. In the city I planned to arrive at 10:30. I found a hotel on booking, where I was supposed to sleep.
Next day morning I planned to visit library, watch Juleczka, take some photos to have them with me and give me power for another months. I know I would cry there a lot. Then go for a while by the sea. And come back to my city with another long trip. But with engine, with photos of Her pictures and all this story in my mind...
I was with this plan till Friday afternoon when I started prepared myself for this trip. I started looking opening hours for this exhibition. And I found that is open only in the evening time, between 5 and 11 pm. And I started thinking: what if I go in the evening time and Juleczka will be there? For me would it be a magnificient view, but for Her it would be a shock. Unexpected and unwanted shock. In the place which gives Her excitement and joy. I so much doesnt want this. For Her I mean nothing, I am not existed human. But for me She is the most important person, most beauty and only one Love, that even if She is married, life with another man, whatever She does in life, She always will be more than me... And I started thinking, that I cannot make Her it. Not for my own pleasure... I fighted with my mind another few hours. And I made a decision. In the name of Her peace, I left all these plans I made.
I sit in my room. And miss this possibility to see "Her".
I dont know if I made good. I know anything.