I write less.
I literally loose mental strenght to do anything. Even writing this diary is to much.
Last two weeks I worked a lot. Really a lot. That gave me money to pay my debt. That gave me possibility to meet other people and talk to them.
But that didnt decrease my depression. My lonelyness. My missing. My love...
I think about Her every free minute.
Last two days I worked in Lazienki. I was 100 metres away from place in Lazienki where we were two times. Our pond there. Far away from walking people. Both times we were there it was a winter time. Once when She came to Warsaw for three days in February 2020 and second time in last winter. We stopped there, by this pond, hugged and kissed a lot. On Saturday, I left my duties at work, I walked to exactly this place, I closed my eyes, and stand in this imagined that we are there together again. Kissing and hugging. Then after work I went towards palace on water, where we were last winted, looked at ducks swimming. I closed my eyes again, imagined her next to me, and despite of a lot of people there, I started talking to Juleczka. Then cried. A lot...
Yesterday, 15th of August. Last year, one of the best day in my life. We went to Zegrzynskie Lake. It was very hot day. We lied on a beach, and walked into the water, bottom part of us under the water. We kissed in water... What a fucking glorious day. Yesterday whole day I was thinking about this. I would give everything, I would do everything to spend again with Julunia one hour together.
I am so fragile man. I cannot stand this situation anymore. That she treats me like so bad man. That she is far away and I so much love her.
Now I dream about her near every night. 90 % of dreams are beautiful. This night I dreamt about our love, physical love. Juleczka is my dreamed girl about looking, about body. This is also very important. Not the most but still is. Of course I miss much more Her spirit, Her as a person.
Today no work, for the first time since many days. Cazzo, Julunia how are you. I so much miss you.