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Lukasz trying to deal with life

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Najnowsze wpisy, strona 62

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24/05 18:40

20 days since last time She messaged me.

 

At the beginning, She needs time. It was shock for Her. I expected at least trying to understand me. At least giving chance to being listened. 

I am ready to talk every moment. I am checking post every hour. Still nothing.

My brain is very tired, unreal destroyed. We were not just a couple. We shared everything, every moment. She cutted it so stricktly. Its fucking not possible to live after that. I didnt know what is love. And now i dont if it was good to find out. It was marvelous time. But the time now is not to being descibed. I am literally dying. Without any aim of life. Without any way to go. She was for me everything and it went out without even chance to say something.

When my Mother died, i was full of pain. I lost Her, but i knew i can do nothing. Nothing in my hand. Now i lost my Baby, and its different. She doesnt give me any chance. How much she has to hate my. I really cannot understand it. I am begging whole my soul. 

My body and soul are at the level beyond zero. There is no further life like this.

24 maja 2021   Dodaj komentarz

23/05 18:50 I am not able to live anymore

Worst day since She left.

One of the worst in my life.

 

I can not stand it anymore.

 

I am really strong man.

Death of my beloved Mother didnt kill me.

Circumstance that I have to pay no my debit didnt kill me.

Being left alone to struggle with this by my family didnt kill me.

Leaving comfortable life and losing work at offices didnt kill me.

Going abroad alone, work physically, having no roof didnt kill me.

Sickness of my father, being robbed by my brother didnt kill me.

 

Leaving me by Giulia killed me.

Her silent and no chance to being listened is killing me.

Losing love killed me.

Losing hope is killing me.

 

I dont understand. I dont suit to this world. Think about yourself - saying everyone. I cannot. I am not able. Always about others. And now its time to pay for this.

 

I am not able to fight anymore. I already lost my power, my spirit fight. This is too much for me. I love Her so much that I am not able to live anymore. I am literally dying... Any light ahead

 

23 maja 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Przepraszam

We teached how to love.

How to let someone being loved.

We teached our bodies. Our weak and strong points.

We teached each other life with someone.

I didnt pass exam.

Przepraszam.

23 maja 2021   Dodaj komentarz

23/05 Sunday Morning 08:11

Sunday morning.

Time for breakfast in the bed. What a time for us sunday always was. Breakfast in a bed, then my mass, and then marvelous time whole day together. Always walk, games, moovies. Cazzo, I was in heaven. Now I am in a bed and have no idea.what to do. I am pretty sure I should not listened to Her. I should have been already in Italy to meet Her. If for Her, after what we survived together, over one month after is still not enough time even to talk to me... I should be there, I should not listened always to others.

 

Till late I watched Eurovisioj Song Contest. I dont know if Giulia watch it, if like it, because last year when we were together, there was no Eurovision because of coronavirus. This year won of course Italy. Just to make it more painfull.

 

What can I do? I will just spend another useless day of waiting for Her message...

23 maja 2021   Dodaj komentarz

Saturday evening 22/05 I dont understand...

Crazy painful.

 

Did I know real Julia? Or she played.

I lied, I fucked. I was awful. I will never forgive myself that I didnt tell the truth.

 

But what did She do after? Made a sentence, judgment without having listened to me. Without trying to understand. That i was coward. That I lost myself. But in general did I do it for my comfort? For fun? To protect Her. To protect us. It was a mistake, I know. 

 

Cmon, dont give me a chance to talk? I am so full of pain.

My love to Her will never change or fly away. I just dont understand. I wait every day, every hour, every minute and comes nothing.

Cazzo, I am worse and worse everyday because I dont have a chance to talk. This would give me a relief. Why She didnt even try to understand me? 

 

I am done...

22 maja 2021   Dodaj komentarz
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