Its already two weeks since we had our marvelous sunday by the wisla, with chess and badminton outside. Its 13 days since we last time talked, kissed, loved. 9 days without any message.
After first shock, when Julunia didnt want to see, to talk, i did undestand it. But i still hoped and still hope checking phone every hour that She will say: lets talk. We spend near 1,5 years together and we were so in love. I fucked, like idiot, but after whole my life only with lost, i fucked because i was scarried, not because i wanted.to hurt Her. I would preffer to die, than hurt my Love.
I lost my normal childhood. Spending many many evenings in a window with my Mother waiting for my father. Will he be drank again? Will he come.back safely by car or there will be any accident? Will it be a big problems, will he scream and threat my Mother again or he will quite quick go to sleep? Will we sleep normally?
I lost my first possible girlfriend, because i was to ashamed, that i can reach her. I was coward already when i was teenager. Then because of this situation i lost many years because i couldnt look at other girls.
I lost my very good work, because they closed office and then i had to take care of my Mother amd after i could find another good work.
I lost my beloved Mother, who sacraficed Her life for us, Her sons. She died beacuse of cancer and life never looks the same after this.
I lost my financial status, when they closed my office. When.before i.signed a document that i will have to pay debt if sth happen to my beloved. And inmediatelly it happens and i left with all of this alone.
I lost my family, because they didnt accept what happened and left it only for my shoulders. I lost my proud.because i had to leave country, work.in many shitty jobs just to pay a debt.
I lost my faith and hope that sth can be better in my life. And then came She. My Angel. My Love. My everything. I didnt want to have another lost. I didnt want to lose Her.
And then i lost my humanity. Because i didnt tell Her all of this.
And i lost Her....