| pn | wt | sr | cz | pt | so | nd |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 01 | 02 |
| 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 |
| 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 |
| 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 |
| 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
| 31 | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 |
It happened.
Julcia yesterday sent me a messages, once again saying goodbye and that there is no hope for us.
I didnt sleep. I canceled my work for today.
I will keep on dreaming. I would like to do sth else. But what can i do. I love Her and its not possible just to leave it. Not possible at all...
How to call someone who had someone dreamed about whole life, more than dreamed, unreal, better than anyone can imagine, who loved you one hundred percent, who you hurt so much, that this dream finished without even talk?
How someone like me can still breath, walk, wake up, work, eat, try to sleep?
There is not even one minute in whole day without thinking about Julunia. Where is, what does, and most important how She deal with this. I cannot believe that for Her is easy, She also had many plans and now everything is destroyed. How She deal with it.
I think about Her working, coming back to the room i dont think about googling, watching sport, youtube. Absolutely nothing has sense and never will.
Julunia, moje Kochanie, you dont know it, you dont care about it, but I love you and to the rest of my days, I will...
I so much need you Julia.
You will never contact me? You really think i wanted to hurt you on purpose? To my comfort?
We need each other. I love you and always will
Another day run with false hope.
So worried how is She. What does She do? Does She sometimes think about me? Is it possible that from one hour to another hour, after find out that I lied a lot, She completely changed Her attitude? From big love to big hate?
This question will never let me stay calmly. I deserved to be hated, but people who I loved also deserved for it but I couldnt stop love them. Not the same, but just an example thats not so easy to stop love.
I would so much love to talk to Her. Directly, we can still be so happy. I would never do the same mistake... never hurt...
Man who i work for today ordered a pizza. I choose of course Hot habanas, like always with my Julunia. And you know what diary? It didnt taste me. Everything had taste only with Juleczka next to me.
Difficult day. Exactly 6 years when I last talked to my mother. And i remember everything. Then She began 10 day process of dissappearing and dying... Mother, sorry for all my mistakes. Please, ask God for my future...
Also exactly 2 weeks when I last time talked to my Love. And since then every minute wait for any contact. I so much love Her and dont imagine life without.
Some people say: fight, do everything, go to Her, send a lot of messages. Do it when its still time. And I dont know if I should do it. She asked me for time, She asked to let Her go. But i still believe She really loved me. And can look at whole situation more widely. I fucked, of course. I am guilty of course. But I do everything to fix it. And I wait, and always will...
I should have never done it this way. I lost myself. Thats obvious. And didnt have anyone to ask how to fix it. I would never done the same. But cazzo, did i do it for myself, did i steal money for having fun. No, i pay not my debt. Now i dont know what was bigger fault: sign this document or didnt tell Julunia? Both have deciding influence on my life. Second is still to be fixed. But how can i do it when She doesnt know anything and even doesnt want to know. Cazzo, what can i do.
Its already two weeks since we had our marvelous sunday by the wisla, with chess and badminton outside. Its 13 days since we last time talked, kissed, loved. 9 days without any message.
After first shock, when Julunia didnt want to see, to talk, i did undestand it. But i still hoped and still hope checking phone every hour that She will say: lets talk. We spend near 1,5 years together and we were so in love. I fucked, like idiot, but after whole my life only with lost, i fucked because i was scarried, not because i wanted.to hurt Her. I would preffer to die, than hurt my Love.
I lost my normal childhood. Spending many many evenings in a window with my Mother waiting for my father. Will he be drank again? Will he come.back safely by car or there will be any accident? Will it be a big problems, will he scream and threat my Mother again or he will quite quick go to sleep? Will we sleep normally?
I lost my first possible girlfriend, because i was to ashamed, that i can reach her. I was coward already when i was teenager. Then because of this situation i lost many years because i couldnt look at other girls.
I lost my very good work, because they closed office and then i had to take care of my Mother amd after i could find another good work.
I lost my beloved Mother, who sacraficed Her life for us, Her sons. She died beacuse of cancer and life never looks the same after this.
I lost my financial status, when they closed my office. When.before i.signed a document that i will have to pay debt if sth happen to my beloved. And inmediatelly it happens and i left with all of this alone.
I lost my family, because they didnt accept what happened and left it only for my shoulders. I lost my proud.because i had to leave country, work.in many shitty jobs just to pay a debt.
I lost my faith and hope that sth can be better in my life. And then came She. My Angel. My Love. My everything. I didnt want to have another lost. I didnt want to lose Her.
And then i lost my humanity. Because i didnt tell Her all of this.
And i lost Her....